i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
