I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
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As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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