Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
