i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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