I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
