dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
