Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
