mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize