just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
