She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
