end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
