fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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