get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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