i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize