I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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