I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You ruined the universe
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