I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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