Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
