I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
