in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
and you fell through a lawn chair
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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