I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
