i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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