I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?