I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
