I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize