I'm really into asian looking animals
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
