guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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