Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
