I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize