Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
