Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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