well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
