He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
