So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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