Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
