me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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