you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
