TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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