On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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