In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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