im holly from the hills drunk
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
