I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
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Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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