Capitaan dildo arrescate!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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