the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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