sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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