My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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