Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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