swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she told me i tasted like america
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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