New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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