Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
