woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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