just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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