Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
