Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
