She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
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The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
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At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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