i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
