if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
