I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
