I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
