i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
